Guests You Don't Wanna Let Go

Hellooooo, people.

This is a rare piece. It’s an early morning write-up. Whatever you have ever read, almost everything was an evening or night write-up or just woke up from a nightmare kind of write-ups or poems. Once the day passes and the time to go to bed gets closer, the emotions get stacked up high.

not sure if that’s just me though

The way everything replays in your head –everything that has happened in the day– until you are lying down on the bed. For someone like me, who feels so much, I’m more expressive during my night conversations. And oh gawd! Don’t get me started on when the layer of filters between my mind and tongue starts fading away as I get sleepy.

those who have had sleepy conversations would know, rest of you can just imagine this to be a more honest version of a person but more adorable than they usually are

Still can’t believe that it’s a morning write-up. And if I’m not gonna write about the emotions I have collected in the whole day, then what am I going to talk about? 

probably the emotions i have collected for more than a few days without putting the layers of overthinking over them

i’m just a girl who wants to express

not even in the hope of someone understanding or relating to them but to give these emotions words, so as, when these go away, i’ll not feel i was upset since forever

i’d like to remind myself that there was a morning when i woke up with these emotions, away from guilt, pain and all the undesirable feelings

Now that you’ve reached this far, let me tell you in a whisper what this is about:

This is about a certain kind of people.

People who you’ve just met but you wanna talk to them right after you get off a call with them but you don’t want to say it out loud because you’re afraid if you’re appearing desperate by doing that or giving wrong impressions of yourself.

You know the feeling when you’re with somebody, laughing with them or holding hands or just being present with them while doing your own stuff, and realize half way through how much you enjoy them and their existence?

If it’s happening with your best friend or a bond that has developed over time, it’s so nice, yes. But when this happens with new people; omg, it’s nice but scary as well. I don’t mean the horror scary or that scary where you wanna run away but the sweet scary; the kind of scary which makes you stay and take care of the brittle emotions of yourself and the other person as well.

imma being me and write the quotes i just had in my mind

Nitya Prakash wrote,

 “Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?”

And, Richard Siken said,

“And the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.”

This new person you just met knows things about you, you feel happy with them –relaxed, in fact– and they probably know a lot about you because you wanted to talk to them and you just couldn’t stop exposing yourself, but somewhere subconsciously you didn’t let out the dark parts of yourself. You were so happy and calm with them that you’d forgotten how much chaos is hidden inside you. And if this were an evening/night post, I’d have described a lot more on chaos itself but since I’m not loaded with a lot of overthinking at the moment and I’m feeling more relaxed than I usually am, I’d like to focus on how the chaos is hidden.

It’s like, this new person is a guest to your heart and you’ve swept all the bad parts of yourself under the rugs and behind the curtains. This guest isn’t a guest you wish to let go –not so soon if they’re meant to go anyway– but it’s someone you wanna go out with. They don’t feel like an escape ‘cause people who feel like an escape don’t feel like guests. They ain’t the ones who come to your house –heart– but the ones you run to whenever there’s a disaster in the house.

The guest I’m talking about is the person who doesn’t make you feel like you’re imposing yourself on them. They come to you because they want to talk to you too. You hide the bad stuff behind the curtains not because you don’t want them to see but because you like how your heart looks when they’re close and of course you’d not want to look at the rotten stuff when it’s them you can look at.

You make plans with them ‘cause you don’t want them to go just with the memory of having them as a guest in your house. You want them in the memories you never had before them. You want them to be in the places where there are more people than just both of you –even if no one really knows what a sweet thing you both share.

But, even when it’s all so good and this particular bond is not surrounded by the usual feelings of the day, there’s a thought. A thought that stays at the back of the mind since the moment you felt all this nice stuff, that: what if this goes south?

There’s a long list of ‘what-ifs’ depending on who you’re thinking about. To list a basic few what-ifs: what if they don’t want the same thing as I do or vice versa? What if my actions are not matching with my intentions? What if there’s no one to blame for the things we said or did to each other apart from myself? What if they leave? Or worse, what if neither of us can leave and are forced to stay when there’s a lot that could’ve gone better?

I’m not sure if you feel it or not but when I love someone, they appear to be brittle. So brittle that even if I interrupt them unintentionally –thinking they finished their sentence– the word sorry rolls out of my tongue faster than immediately. So brittle that you don’t hold their hand tighter than just a mere touch because they shouldn’t get to know so soon that you don’t want them to leave. So brittle that just wanting to talk more to them feels like you might bring up a feeling of avoidance in them and they might feel you’re clingy. 

I think it’s a part of adulting. It’s been such a long time that you’ve made friends. Some people are looking for a romantic partner in their life and some are looking for intimacy without commitment. And you, here, are looking for just a friend who you can do things for and they would know it’s friendship.

and ofcourse you can't help it if you yourself are attracted to them

Out of all the things you do in adulting, the urge of wanting a friend while not losing your mind –over that it wouldn’t go as it should– is the hardest part.

Hoping that adulting gets easier. 

But until it finally does, smileeeee, darling.

you’re precious

~Miss V