The Girl I Was Back Then

Hellooooo, people.

Hope you’re doing okay. If you’re doing great, all credits to you. If you’re not, all credits to the situation. 

hehe, i smiled, did you?

I’d been overwhelmed for so long that I kept wanting to unwind my heart here but have you ever tried picking up a bucket brim-full of water and taking it from one place to another without making ripples in the water?

When you’re filled up with different emotions, it’s hard to point one out without stirring the other ones.

Sometimes, writing it down to talk to all of you instead of actually talking to someone in person feels easier. If this is hard for you to imagine why would this be easier, consider yourself luckier than a lot of people, ‘cause mahn! It’s really getting difficult to find people who actually get it.

it? i mean, anything and everything

nobody gets nothing around me

Yes, I’m grateful for the people who love me enough to see I’m hurting even if they don’t know why. Am I really asking for too much if all I want is someone to love and understand me? 

If I was still my two years back version, I’d be begging for this answer. But, I’m not. Fortunately.

I’ve grown from a girl who used to doubt herself into a woman who is confident enough to speak up for herself. But, I’ve also transformed from the girl who used to please everyone around me to the woman who has learnt to focus on my long term happiness over someone else’s ill opinions.

am i able to make peace with everything that happens because of this woman i’ve turned into? now that, my darling, is a different story

“Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?”

~Nitya Prakash

I read this and immediately had my own version:

Do you understand the amount of loathing I had received to love myself this much?

Have you ever felt like you have a really sorted picture of what you want in your head and in the next minute, someone makes you turn your head, listen to their words, force you to step back, take a look at the picture again until you start feeling this is not what you want after all?

no? just me? that’s good

i hope you never get to feel that

I’ve tried not turning my head in order to keep looking at the picture I want, but people are really stubborn and careless. They still make you turn your head. If you don’t, they try harder. If you ask them to stop, they go on with their words and if you stay quiet, they twist your head so hard that the neck breaks and the picture you’ve been working on for years fades into thin air just like that!

*snaps fingers*

exactly! just like that

I’ve never and would never be cruel to someone who doesn’t understand that it hurts. It freakin’ does! For, I have enough words that I’ll never have to pick up a gun. I really pity the people who would never understand how strong love can be. I can melt you, mold you, transform you into your best version, make you forget the world, make you feel that you'd never be alone. Only and only by loving you. But, someone who has always been alone despite having a life long partner, deserves love. How can I be cruel to them? 

But, I don’t mean I’m going to love them. I’m wise enough to know that someone who can twist my neck just to get me to look at things differently, doesn’t deserve my love. I hope they get love in their life at some point but it sure as hell is not going to be from me!

“How much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it’s some kind of murder?”

~Richard Siken, Portrait of Fryderyk In Shifting Light

I read this quote years back and was afraid that I might be turning into something else with every single decision I’m taking. Turns out, I have become some kind of monster. Fortunately, it doesn’t scare me enough to turn back into my old version again. But, unfortunately, it does scare the people away. People who don’t matter all that much to me but affect every cell of my body.

yes, this category of people exist

The girl I was knew how to love but the woman I’ve turned into knows how to be loved as well. The girl I was back then had a list of things she wanted in a person in order to love and be loved. But the woman I am now understands that all the things I used to consider as my high standards have always been the qualities of a decent human being.

The girl I was, didn’t know better because she was in her learning phase. The woman I am now, knows I’m still in my learning phase; I’ve just started to accept that not all the people who claim to want good for me, actually love me.

this category of people exists too

people who want your good but don’t love you

The girl I was back then didn’t want to pay any price for being happy ‘cause shouldn’t happiness be free? But the woman I am now, hopes that there’s some place where we pay less price for being happy, because neither selling my soul is an option nor living this whole life without being happy!

The girl I was, didn’t know what we should choose if only we could choose one, being loved or being understood?

The woman I am now, believes that being loved is being understood. If you think you can love me without understanding me, you’re not loving me for who I am. The day I realise you love me for who I am, you will have my whole being dedicated to loving you.

The girl I was back then knew she would love someone so hard they might not be able to handle it. The woman I am now knows I can love you to the moon and back and you’d still be able to match my energy.

I loved the girl I was. I love the woman I am.

I am glad that the girl I was existed, ‘cause if she did not, how could I ever be?

Smileeeee, darling.

~Miss V