I'm A River Who Needs Chocolate

“People aren’t homes, they never will be. People are rivers, always changing, forever flowing. They will disappear with everything you put inside them.”

~Nikita Gill

Hellooooo, people.

It’s been a long time. I’m here. Again. After all, this is where I unwind my heart. And you witness it. 

you’re going to continue this on your own will and really i feel so burdened with the thought that you somehow are reading this just ‘cause of some obligation to me

or maybe i’m just thinking too much

So, as said above, people are rivers, I think I’d be considered a river too?

Inside, there’s this beating stone, called heart, it’s trapped with so many lil’ stones around that neither are they crushing it completely nor are they giving it space. This beating stone is struggling to.. pump life to the rest of me. 

Ask me what has happened? Nothing. 

Why am I in this feel? Probably because I got some time to myself and I looked in.

Guess what? I neither knew how to swim nor I could breathe under. And you know what, I wished to go deep out of masochism but I wasn’t deep enough to even drown.

this is how sad it all is

I’m not sure if I’m looking to learn to breathe underwater, learn how to swim, learn how to drown or.. learn how to manage the flow in a way that those lil’ rocks would give a lil’ space to my beating stone, or whatever you say, heart!

heart, right?

Okay, back to human language. Some of you despise these poetic talks. Lemme state in clear words.

Sometimes, it’s so suffocating that finding air to breathe feels like a milestone. Other times, there’s so much air to breathe that there ain’t any people to breathe with.

Okay, still poetic? Lemme try being more non-poetic human.

I wish for connections and all I get are people who don’t understand that word even!

I’m curious to see what kind of connections I would have, but gawd! Isn’t it taking an eternity? Haven’t I been suffering too long now? 

wait no, that would be self-pitying or whatever the word is, these days

i’ll rephrase

Isn’t it taking an eternity? Haven’t I been living with the same people for too long now? The number of people just seem to be reducing with no increase in connection. 

And, before you take offense, I don’t want the people in my life to be out of it, no, absolutely not! I just wish to have a connection or two. 

i’m trying so hard to convince myself that i’m okay and deserve the connections i want

It’s like.. you’ve been craving a chocolate for years and finally when someone handed you the chocolate, you took it with all the excitement even when it wasn’t the type you wanted, you wipe your happy tears, you unwrap it and the moment you were about to take a bite, it’s snatched from you. Nobody asked you if you’d give it back, not any reason or even a lie that it was expired but just.. snatched; so hard that your hand got hurt.

So now all you have is a hurt hand, sad tears and a broken heart.

Once you’ve learnt to wipe your tears and give yourself consolations about why the first ever chocolate wasn’t good, you’re given chocolate again. This time you ain’t taking it in your hands yourself. Your fingers have been uncurled and the chocolate has been kept in your hand. You ain’t unwrapping it because you want to, but because eyes are on you. You were about to have your first bite with quivering hands, but someone pushed you to save you from a hit and.. while doing good for you, you’ve yet again lost the chocolate to the floor. To the freakin’ floor!

now that you’re into this, i’m gonna switch your focus from yourself to me; i can’t put a picture in your head where you’re not getting what you want but rather me

‘cause it gets a bit too real and hence too painful

I lost the chocolate to the floor and now I’m wondering if my grip wasn’t tight enough even when I was desperately wanting chocolate. Everyone around me is looking at me with pity. They now want to give me the best ever chocolate but they can’t find it anymore, ‘cause when you wanna give someone a decent thing, you have hundreds of options but the moment you decide to find the best one, suddenly the options come down to zero.

After all, humans! They would appreciate even the ugliest things but when it comes to ordering them and choosing one, they can find defects in even the number one ranker.

At this point, I’m filled with thoughts:

Do I want that chocolate or do I need it? Do I need it for the reason I had earlier or out of habit because I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want one? Do I even deserve it, since I haven’t gotten a bite of it even when it was handed to me? Should I hold it too tight so that it won’t fall to the floor this time or should I hold it not too tight so that when someone snatches it away, it only breaks my heart and not my hand?

If you’ll say, I’m independent. I have the resources to buy myself a chocolate, even the best one, then I’ll say two things. First, you have no idea what resources I have and absolutely no hint of what restraints my brain has to even think of that. Second, you’re too brave to assume that I have the self confidence to choose the best or even a decent one for me. And no, I’m not doing this just so I could blame the person who handed it to me when I don’t like it. I’m merely doing it because I’ve always been handed stuff and never given a chance to choose for myself.

I can’t give up on wanting chocolate anymore. What if I get it tomorrow and don’t have the happiness I thought I’d have? Worse, what if the chocolate sees I’m not happy and considers itself to be not up to my standard despite being the best? 

I’ve tried searching on Google about how to stop the urge for chocolate and it is trying to manipulate me into thinking I want magnesium and not chocolate.

but then it’s google, it doesn’t understand like you do

I hope you know that I was aware I needed magnesium in the first place but then when it wasn’t available, I started to want chocolate.. And apparently now I desperately need it. 

Smileeeee, darling.

You're gonna get what you want and need.

~Miss V