The Vacuum In My Heart

Hellooooo, people.
I’m feeling grateful for all of the things I get to listen from all of you, after you read my blog. Special thanks to everyone, really.
Towards the end, you’d know why I’m being so grateful.

“How many wounds did you endure because the person holding the knife was the one you loved?”
~Nipuna Mehta

I got my own version in my head just after reading this:
How many wounds are you willing to endure so that the person holding the knife would love you?
don’t blame me, if it’s gotten a lil' dark
yes, i’m still the same girl who wrote the previous blog, hehe

Just because you know that some people will just never be ready to love you for who you are, doesn’t mean that you don’t crave it. Of course you do. You freakin’ do!
at least i do
a hell lot
Just because I’ve become the woman who knows how to choose the right people who I can love and be loved back as well, doesn’t mean I don’t crave love from the people whom I love.
sweet disclaimer: this isn’t about romantic love

It’s heartbreaking, or lemme say heart-emptying, ‘cause really whenever I’m hit hard by the realization of not being loved or even cared for in the long term, it doesn’t feel like my heart is breaking, it’s emptying. The vacuum in my heart just tries to swallow my happily beating heart, disrupting the rhythm of it. 
You can convince yourself that you don’t need their love. You’re anyway on your own, happy. To whatever extent that is. You can even convince yourself that the type of love they have is just not for you. It might be the best love from them but it still can be suffocating for you. You can even convince yourself that you’ve made peace with how it all is. But then a feeling as little as a dust particle swirls around and the vacuum in your heart starts disrupting the rhythm again.

I’m not sure how I’m going to end this write-up in a good way but lemme just pour whatever I have in me. I know I’ll give you something to smile about. 
Have you ever noticed how when you’re thinking of buying a white car, suddenly the roads are filled with white cars? Or, when you think of having new plants in the front of your house, suddenly it seems like almost every second house has plants outside?
i have a feeling you might have

Similarly, I’ve been craving this particular type of bond in my life, and it’s everywhere except for.. with me. It’s in everything I watch, everything I read, everything I see around and now something I write about too –but okay, the writing part is my own choice.
just a gentle reminder, it’s not the romantic love i’m talking about
i do crave that, yes, but that feeling is so different
that’s more of a heartbreaking situation
this? heart-emptying, gawd, this has to be a word in the dictionary

You know, whenever I feel this way, I try to focus on the good bonds I have. The friends I have who I love and they love me as well. The people whom I can ask anything without using any filters. The people who give me their opinions kindly with honesty. The people who let me know that they’re there for me. The people who tell me that they’re proud of me. And, to all these people, I really give all the love that I have with me.
I try to focus on these bonds, yes.
Does it work? Not immediately. But eventually.

I just try to apply that logic of thinking of buying a white car and seeing the white cars everywhere. I try to think of all the good things, good people and the good feelings there are and hope to the universe that it brings in more of those to me.
okay, gawd, i just felt that teeny-tiny feeling of not having a romantic partner, hehe

Just laughed while writing this, ‘cause I think I'm being overpowered by that vacuum too much that I might just need a hug. And because I’m the woman who knows how to be loved along with loving them, the hug I’m craving is not from any of the people because of whom I feel heart-emptying. I might be willing to accept a hug from a stranger though.
hehe so much for being this all-grown-up woman
i think the girl in me is still holding to a hope that they’ll come around
although the woman i am now, knows, they freaking’ won’t!
 
Oh, hey. Just a gentle reminder to you. You, the person who is reading this currently. Whether you let me know you read this or not, just know that I’m grateful for you, okay? This means a lot to me. I know you took out some time for this. I really adore you, darling. Thankyou.

Smileeeee, darling.
~Miss V

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guests You Don't Wanna Let Go

Hellooooo, people. This is a rare piece. It’s an early morning write-up. Whatever you have ever read, almost everything was an evening or night write-up or just woke up from a nightmare kind of write-ups or poems. Once the day passes and the time to go to bed gets closer, the emotions get stacked up high. not sure if that’s just me though The way everything replays in your head – everything that has happened in the day – until you are lying down on the bed. For someone like me, who feels so much, I’m more expressive during my night conversations. And oh gawd! Don’t get me started on when the layer of filters between my mind and tongue starts fading away as I get sleepy. those who have had sleepy conversations would know, rest of you can just imagine this to be a more honest version of a person but more adorable than they usually are Still can’t believe that it’s a morning write-up. And if I’m not gonna write about the emotions I have collected in the whole day, then what am I going to ...
Read more

What Am I Made Up Of?

Hello, people. You're probably reading this either you like reading or you know me, but then it's just a probability. Maybe, you're here 'cause you think it's both? But, how can it be both, when the occurrence of the second option is impossible for you? Okay, back to talking to ALL of you, whether you think you know me or not. The vessel inside my chest, which is supposed to just pump blood, mostly called heart, is full; full of thoughts, full of feelings, be it mine or yours, 'cause, unfortunately, I'm an empath. Some warm feelings are just below the upper curves of my heart and some icy desires just above the tip of its bottom. And these are the only ingredients which are sorted. The way these two upper curves meet after making the smooth curves at a tip in the bottom, it's beautiful but everything which is beautiful, is painful too. This smooth simple closed curve, which doesn't cover more than the size of my fist, contains miles of land it feels ...
Read more

I'm A River Who Needs Chocolate

“People aren’t homes, they never will be. People are rivers, always changing, forever flowing. They will disappear with everything you put inside them.” ~Nikita Gill Hellooooo, people. It’s been a long time. I’m here. Again. After all, this is where I unwind my heart. And you witness it.  you’re going to continue this on your own will and really i feel so burdened with the thought that you  somehow are reading this just ‘cause of some obligation to me or maybe i’m just thinking too much So, as said above, people are rivers, I think I’d be considered a river too? Inside, there’s this beating stone, called heart, it’s trapped with so many lil’ stones around that neither are they crushing it completely nor are they giving it space. This beating stone is struggling to.. pump life to the rest of me.  Ask me what has happened? Nothing.  Why am I in this feel? Probably because I got some time to myself and I looked in. Guess what? I neither knew how to swim nor I could brea...
Read more