How Does Losing Bond Feel?

Trigger Warning: Explanation to how you felt when you lost that precious bond.

Remember when you realised that they would leave you, or has already left? Remember when you were making efforts to make it work but their efforts were invisible? Remember when you were deciding if you should give one more chance --just a last effort, as you've been saying for quite a long time now-- or if you should leave? Remember when you-

okay, I guess, no more moments are needed. 

Ofcourse you remember. 

Another Warning: Conclusion of this text might not have an answer to how to forget it.

If that's okay, continue.

Listen to me, okay? Believe me when I say I didn't mean to hurt you by reminding it. If you don't want to believe that, then blame me for reminding you the hurt, but at the end, okay? 

And I'll make sure you've a change of heart before you decide not to blame me.

Be patient with the lines. Whenever it gets too much to take in, stop at that line and breathe, okay? 

Think about the time when they left. Exactly that moment when you saw them walking away, when they chose something or someone over you, when they --intentionally or unintentionally-- didn't give you time, when they made excuses to not hold your hand, when they said THAT for the first time which you thought they wouldn't, ever. 

Take a deep breath

Now, go back to the time period between when everything was very okay and actually losing them. That period. The phase when you were making efforts? The number of times you had the urge to tell them that you don't feel alright about your bond, that something is going wrong, things ain't same. But you didn't speak. Remember? I know you do. At a point, you told them that things between us are going bad. The moment when you learnt that they too realise it now. The moment when you realised it has got harder to hold hands. The moment when you realised that even with the same bodies, the hug doesn't feel same. The moment when you realised funny conversations are replaced by silence. The moment when you realised that you can count the number of days when you last talked. The moment when --hey, inhale, exhale-- when you realised that you can never go back to that great bond now.

Losing them was not one day, it was a whole damn period! It was not a moment you remember, it's the pile of feelings sprinkled on your bond till it became blurred.

It aches. I know.

Everytime the clock struck that time, you remember them. Everytime those dates come, you want the day to get over. Everytime you see that place, you imagine them sitting with you. Everytime you scroll through your gallery, you see something that reminds you of them, you select it, think to delete but don't and it stays there for you to see it next time and repeat.

People around you ask about them and you think of the times when you used to tell them your shared moments and low-key regret that you told them. People who you knew just because they were a common friend, how to talk to them now? That's an unanswered question for you. You've cut the contacts with most but few are still left.

When you're alone and they crawl from the back of your mind to conscious thinking, you feel --i'm still searching for that word but to complete the sentence, let's just say-- pain, sadness, anger, empty and an unnamed feeling.

You sometimes continue what you were doing and realise that they're not getting out of your mind and sometimes you stop everything and give in to your thoughts. When everything becomes silent, you hear the tick tick of the clock and you realise this is the only thing which didn't ever and wouldn't ever stop. Not when you wanted to have a few more moments with them and not now when you want to cry your heart out. It just shamelessly keeps going as if nothing happened. As if your heart didn't matter and neither does its shattering.

The sun outside keeps coming up making sure the world goes as it was going. And when you look down, even the grass makes you sad --why the hell everything around acts like nothing happened-- the sky turns from blue to black with a moon hanging from it, as if that's gonna lighten up something inside you. 

There comes a point when vulnerability, fear of losing, feeling of getting hurt, witnessing the slow murder of your bond by situations turn into anger. Why did it end? Why couldn't it stay the same? --and don't you dare start with those quotes: life is all about change and all that, I'm so done with that-- why I'm in this suffering, why doesn't the pain go away? why- 

hey, shh, deep breaths

Now, I really wish I could tell you that there's a switch and just turn it on and the darkness of your pain would go away. I really do. But, what I can tell you is, which is truth, that you're going to be okay soon, you'll be better, you won't forget them completely, they're a part of you but you'll miss them less and if not then you'll learn to smile whenever you miss them realising all the good things you experienced. You'd put behind the bad moments, keep the best memories with you and re-open your heart for someone.

And, about the blame you were thinking to charge me with, hey, you believed me when I said I didn't mean to hurt you. Believe yourself too? Believe that you're strong enough to be happy again. Believe that you're powerful enough to keep the pieces of you sticked together. Believe that it was not their fault completely; some of the things were not in favour, for both of you. Believe that you --you, darling-- were capable of having best moments earlier and still are. 

And just to be sure, if you're still thinking to blame me for hurting you by reminding all what you felt and didn't want to remember, did you really want to leave this at that first paragraph? Did you really want the answer to how to forget? 'cause, if you did, you'd have stopped reading when I told you that you won't find the answer to how to forget. 

You didn't want answer, honey. You wanted someone to understand. You wanted to see if someone actually knows how it feels, without you telling. You wanted to --hey, you okay? deep breath-- wanted to see if this had something that would heal you. 

I don't know if I could give you a solution or even a small bit of what might help you heal, but I really hope you get some relief in knowing that someone out there --maybe, someone who typed all this-- knows how it feels and understands you.

We're the generation of broken hearts, they say.

I wanna tell them and you as well.

We may be the generation of broken hearts, but, we're strong enough to heal it and live again. We may take time in process and lose some of our precious time too but we sure as hell ain't stop trying to heal.

~Miss V