All I've Ever Wished For

Hellooooo, You.
referring to the person who I feel will be my love

The people who are reading this and if you know you’re not going to be my love forever, you might feel like a third wheel, but but, please stay. Because, I haven’t met my “You” yet and I seriously need someone to listen.

hey, you, if you’re reading this, after a few months or years, please know that i wrote this piece just to get this feeling to you

Let’s start from the story of how you became “You” and not some “My cutie”, “My sweet pie” or whatever names people call their loved ones by. Some of the people call their future partner as “Mr/Ms. Perfect” but I don’t want a perfect guy. Whoever I’ll love and feel loved with, is going to be a person of his own kind, just one. And, how could you name someone who already has a name, without knowing them. Since I don’t know his name yet, I’m just going to call him “Mr. You.” 
My Mr. You.

In the very start –4 years ago probably?– I used to think of my future partner as My Mr. You but at this point, I have two people in my mind. One is Mr. You. Another one is the “Future Partner” who is someone I deserve for the rest of my life.

You know, when you grow up, your inner child’s fears start to creep up into your thoughts and whenever something triggers, you fall into the pit of your doubts and fears. I’m currently there and I feel very strongly that these two people in my mind are two different people and I might never get My Mr. You, the person who would love me the way I understand.

I know in my heart that I already absolutely love Mr. You. I’m just not sure if I’ll meet him ever. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and in these extreme moments, I feel this:
I either want to marry my Mr. You.. OR-
I wish I never ever meet him.
When I get overwhelmed, I feel like I’ve fallen into a pit. This pit feels different every time. It makes me feel so much but what? It decides.

The pit I just fell into is dark and my world has limited itself to this small congested place where I think –I don’t want to think that but everything around me has persuaded me to think– that I’ll never meet the man who will love me. Actually freaking’ love me.
Oh, I’m so sorry for wanting a man to love me but I just can’t help it anymore. I want to feel love. For whatever or whosoever’s sake, I just need to feel it. Either I want it forever or never. That’s the deal. I won’t settle for any less, even if it means I’ll never get any.

There’s a famous either or question: Would you rather have loved and lost OR never love at all?
I’d like to phrase it for myself: Would I rather feel love and lose it OR never feel loved at all?
The latter. With zero doubts. Zero. Nil. Nada.

And yes, it kinda does feel weird to write all that out in the world, for literally anyone on the planet to read but at this point I don’t care about those people who I don’t even know. I think people would be able to handle a young girl’s write-up about wanting love in her life. A romantic love. Love in which there are no boundaries. Love where both the people can talk without thinking if this particular topic is appropriate to talk about. Because until now? All I’ve had is that. Different levels of friendships. The romantic ones? I’ve got chances, yes, but I couldn’t accept it; what can I do, I’m a one-man girl.
People who are going to get weirded out or anything on the similar lines are not my people. They better be strangers.

All I’m saying is this idea of having ‘Mr. You’ is kind of seeming out of reach of my hands. When my mood gets on the extreme side of the spectrum, this idea feels like the sky while me feeling like a lil’ caterpillar on a leaf. It takes so much courage to convince myself that I can become a butterfly and one day, the sky comes down in the form of rain, I can touch it on those very leaves.

After writing this, I’m feeling better. I don’t feel like the butterfly yet but nor do I feel like the caterpillar. I’m at a stage where I just have to wait and be patient. 
but it feels so cruel to say ‘just wait’ like ugh! 
*grunts*
*groans*
okay, i just needed to do that
i’m okay
patiently waiting
(not enough that you take another ten years to come in my life, okay?)

The only thing I’m worried about is: When I get my future partner and he’s a decent person but doesn’t love and care for me like Mr. You, reads this and asks me, hey, did you get your Mr. You? What do I answer?
Even if he doesn’t ask but if I know he read this, ain’t I supposed to tell him that I’m happy that I got him? ‘Cause shouldn’t you be grateful for what you got? Yes, I didn’t get Mr. You but I could’ve got worse man, so, gotta be grateful, right?  
But if he reads it secretly and I don’t know that he has read it, probably ‘cause he isn’t into reading or something. Would he be heartbroken or even just sad that I wrote this and didn’t tell him ever that all I’d ever asked for was HIM?
‘cause i know the day i realize i got my Mr. You, imma kiss him on his forehead and tell him, you’re all i ever wished for

But, who’s asking the real questions?
No. Not me. Please. Not me. Not this time.
Just the idea of him has made me better so many times. Him just looking at me with love would heal me for the things even I had forgotten about.
And, no, I’m not looking for someone to heal me. I can, am and will be doing that for myself.
Him? I just want him to love me the way I understand and I’ll gift-wrap the whole universe for him.

Okay, I’m done with this write-up with things filled with cheesy? loving? dreamy? no, my feelings.
Hope you find people who love you back. 
Universe, take care of your babies, please?

~Miss V