Does Your Heart Keep Secrets?

I've been thinking about what do I tell you in this piece of writeup and it's been days. It wouldn't really affect the time you're reading this; I'm consistent (yet).

Know what's different? The acceptance. The courage.

The topics I've written about already are the ones which I had in mind and they're mostly about what you wanna listen or what I'd like you to know.

But the ones after this, I'm afraid those won't be the ones that I had in mind already. Or maybe I had all this time but not the courage to accept.

Whenever someone's asking me what's the next BlogPost (i.e, this one which you're reading right now) is about, I take a few seconds and answer, "I've been thinking" or "I don't know yet" or "I ain't sure" or "I don't have any idea" but it feels like I'm speaking lies and lies are poison for me. Not the ones you drink and die. But the ones you can't even come in contact with. 

They ain't exactly lies because at some point, I really had been thinking, at other, I didn't know myself then. True. But now? It feels like they were lies because I realise now what exactly had been going on.

Here, I'm telling you something which feels like a confession. So, just hold on okay? This is gonna be important. 

I sat sometime ago just to think of what to write and whenever my mind summoned a topic to me, my heart denied it with some stupid logic --hearts do that, you surely do know that, I guess; denying the ideas of the most intelligent part of our body even if it knows it's just being a brat-- so when I got out of ideas I realised that I was never at a point where I didn't have any topic to write on. But, I always had topics. Even numerous. 

The issue, which I now realise, is: I ain't ready to talk about it or speak about it. Because somewhere in my words, I might reveal a bit of myself and that, my darling, scares me. Revealing something about myself.

I've always been a listener. Adviser. Saviour. And just all those things the situation demanded. 

Now, would you blame me if there were no situation where I had to reveal things about myself?

And, okay, I accept there might have been a few but for some unknown reasons, I covered the situation with a blanket of another conversation hiding about myself even a layer deeper.

Now, I realise, things about myself are way too buried under blankets I myself laid down. It's difficult even for me to uncover the buried, let alone someone else. And even if someone tries to uncover a bit of something under the corner of the thinnest blanket, I feel to smack their hand. But I don't. Instead, I take their hand, take it to my lips to kiss, hold it in my hands and talk to them about them. Everyone's so deprived of love that with me doing this, they don't realise that I didn't kiss and hold their hand to show my love in this moment but to keep their hand in mine just so they wouldn't go lift up the blankets again; atleast for some time, till they allow themselves to take back their hand and get back to their work. No, I ain't pretending to love them by that gesture of kissing and holding their hand. It's just, I show them my love so much that they don't realise that there can be any other purpose of doing a gesture of love than merely expressing. They're loved by ME, you can't blame them for not noticing. 

After speaking about things I already wrote, it's time that I start lifting up the thinnest blankets and let my secrets breathe too. They're suffocating and it's getting darker inside. I'm afraid of dark --see, I'm speaking about what I'm afraid of-- and I believe my secrets are afraid of dark too, even if they've lived all their life in darkness.

Whether you were born in darkness or you were thrown into it, you don't have to live there for the rest of your life. I know it's difficult --now you know I understand how difficult-- but you and me are going to try, right? 

We'll uncover few things and then a few more and someday we'll have a wall between us through which we could see each other. Someday. Keeping that wall up or down depends on you. All that matters, for now, is you and your secrets, desires, fear, dreams and everything else remain in the same air with no blankets in between. 

Let the things come out of you to yourself, think about showing them to others later. Just know that if you've a part which you don't acknowledge yourself or not proud of, the fear you run from or dreams you don't talk about even to yourself, are still yours. You are to be cherished by yourself and so does your every feeling and every inch of you. And about appreciation and acknowledgement from others will be a topic for some other day, okay, honey?

I'm gonna go gather courage for something I'm afraid of speaking yet. If you find my next piece about it, know that I did gather courage enough to speak about it and if I come up with something which is not, then know that I'm still gathering courage, okay? I ain't giving up. And neither are you.

The blankets can't get any heavier, lift them up. Not all at ones, it might hurt. But slowly, one by one. Just take a glance below those. You think you've buried your secrets and fear there but what if you find some piece of peace which you've been wandering for, all around?

Sometimes, we keep looking for peace and relief in the whole world. You're ready to topple up the whole world to find your comfort, let's just topple up a few blankets inside us first. We might not need searching the world when all the search we've to do is in ourselves.

I'll again sit to summon the topics which I can write about and this time when my heart denies and tells me to wait to talk about it later, I'll ask: For how long?

Tennessee Williams from 27 Wagons Full Of Cotton And Other Plays says, 

"Don't you think there is always something unspoken between two people?"

I'd like to answer: not between two people always but between us and our own hearts too.

Let's speak to each other and try to speak atleast a few unspoken things and then a few more and someday we'll be at peace a bit more than we're now. Even if the measure of our peace is in negative, moving from something more negative to less negative is still progress. Let's hope that we might someday reach to even lesser negative, then to zero and finally to a positive measure of peace. Let's lift up the blankets and unravel our hearts for the secrets.

~Miss V