What Is It For Me?

I watched a movie.

It's kind of a habit of mine --good or whatever-- to not tell names but it's a habit.

I could be telling you all about a particular movie, a book or a person and you wouldn't know the name of it.

Like, okay, suppose you guess the movie or book, it works for me.

But, interesting thing about not telling you a person's name is that you could be meeting this friend of mine for the first time and you wouldn't have even a single idea that it's this person who gave me their number the other day or it's this human who still gives me nightmares.

Considering the same scene, if I'd have told you the name of this person and their whole story, then, the moment you handshake with this person and exchange each other's names, you'd have all those flashbacks of the story I told you where your mind would replace the blank face with the face of this person.

And there's no way you're gonna treat this person the way you'd have treated if you hadn't known the past between this person and me.

We judge, believe it or not.

And, no, judging isn't wrong. So don't take it the wrong way.

It's wrong in cases. I'm talking about a general one.

Because if you don't judge and treat this person who broke my heart the same way as you'd treat that person who kissed me, then darling, did those stories matter for you? Or you're just proving your acting skills?

Like, okay, I ain't expecting you to be rude to the first one but I don't expect you to be extra sweet with them either.

And because we all already have expectations from everyone --accept it or not-- I prefer not to tell you the name of people I'm telling you stories about; so that you can act like a complete stranger, no matter if this was the person who plunged a knife into me or the one who pulled it out to save me.

Okay, back to the point. 

So this movie.

I ain't telling you the movie name.

there are reasons really, we'll get into that some other time

This movie had a scene where this girl gives a speech for her sister in which she says that one night, she had a nightmare and her sister (younger than her) didn't know what to do exactly so she hugged her, cuddled her that night for as long as she slept and from then on, this girl never had nightmares after that night. Her sister was a five years kid then. 

This was the moment I thought --subconsciously-- that what would it take for my nightmares to stop?

i don't have any five year old sister --or anyone younger-- around me for that matter

I don't intend to ask you this question 'cause these are my nightmares, you've no idea about what's in there and what triggered those. I myself ain't aware of the start and the point where they became intense, uh, wait, we're distracted, ain't we?

I intend to ask you:

Do you also feel that way? The "What is it for me?" question.

Like, when someone tells you that one day their mom said this particular thing to them and that's the thing which made them realise that they're in a toxic relationship and need to get out, don't you feel like what would it be for me --or my this friend-- that would take you out of the unwanted relationship?

When someone tells you that a particular conversation with this person while walking on road made them brave enough to cross the road alone, don't you feel that what it would be for you to get you out of your fear?

I also feel that, everyone does.

We all want answers to the questions our heart asks. Sometimes we accept our need of answer, sometimes, we don't.

And sometimes, we pretend like we don't have any questions. 

Now, I ain't the answer bank.

would have given you answers long before, if I were

But I can tell you other things which might soothe things for you.

First, the answers you're looking for, are looking for you too. It's okay if it's taking you too long to find them, you'll find them soon. And and maybe you don't know this but your answers will be satisfied to meet you.

They too are waiting for you to meet them. 

They ain't hidden intentionally. They're just a lil' far from you maybe. 

Just don't stop okay? Keep moving. Keep moving because your answers are way slower than you and c'mon trust yourself more than anything else when it comes to your relief, your comfort, your answers, your peace.

Before you go and continue with what you're gonna do, know this too: 

"In this cruel world

We're all guilty of the same thing

Not loving each other enough."

~Hana

Before you think of this on your own, I just want you to know that there are so many things to be guilty of, just try your best to not be guilty of not loving yourself enough. 

Being guilty for not loving someone else is the second thing. 

You know the first thing now, yes?

So, have a wide smile, take care a little better, drink a lot more water, take a little extra rest whenever you feel tired, treat yourself bit sooner than --oh, when was the last time you had your favourite thing to eat? Make sure it doesn't take too long to think of it when I ask you this next time. Okay?

You'd get your answers soon.

Love yourself a bit more. Smileeeee, darling.

~Miss V