Have You Ever Lost An Image?

Have you come across those memes where it says, "you think breakup hurts? ever experienced hair fall?"

or maybe the kind "you think breakup hurts? ever watched your best friend hanging out more with others?"

This is what I wanted to remind you first today because I've a version of my own for this.

Spoiler Alert: It's not a meme, so not going to be funny.

You think breakup hurts? Ever experienced losing your ideal?

Oh, sorry.

Hello, there.

I just wanted to pour things out of this vessel (yes yes heart) so bad right now that, I just started without a Hello.

So, Hello. 

Losing an ideal isn't a single moment just like losing some other bond. It's a journey. It starts at a point where you both are unaware. When one of you knows, that's not the actual starting point, it's that point that got noticed first.

We all have someone in our mind that we know are good. A good person. Good in this particular thing. Has good point of view. Good this. Good that. Good anything. Good everything.

When we were kids, that person --or people-- are usually our parents, teachers, a neighbor, a friend's relative or just anybody who we see doing good or being good in a specific area which we are interested in.

With time, we get to see more of them and it either increases our respect for them or deteriorates their image in our minds.

that's the image i asked about in the title

You don't get to see anyone completely in one moment. You see them layer by layer. If you've any moment in your mind where this big incident happened and this particular person behaved in a way and you were like: I can't believe this is you. I thought this and that about you and today, you showed your true face. Today, I know you completely.

no darling, you don't

You might have seen their biggest trait at that moment and that might be enough for you to get your bond over with, but there's always another layer in a person for you to know.

And when you can say you know someone completely, that's because you spent a good time with them. You know it hasn't happened overnight. It took time. Not just days but years.

For people who have lost important bonds, I want you to know, I feel it too.

And even though this wouldn't reach to my ideal, I'd write here, the things I would have said but I know I never will:

"Um, hello,

I want to thank you for being that person in my life who I could point my finger at and say: see, I want to become like them.

You know, you were the best. The best, really. For most of my life, I've believed this and everybody who knew me knew that you were the person I'd die for. Literally. 

I still remember when one of my teachers had asked me how do I decide if what I'm doing is right or wrong and I'd said so simply without a doubt in my mind --i remember my exact words-- "If I can tell that I'm doing this AND can tell this to my ideal, it's right. And if the answer to, can I tell this to my ideal, is no, then I wouldn't do it."

I still remember the reaction the teacher gave me. She had said she had never got such a straightforward answer from anyone.

She went away after saying.

There was something I didn't tell her that day. I had a doubt in my mind then and the doubt has become a real issue now.

There are things I can't tell you anymore. Not the relationship stuff; don't worry, never had one.

You know how I used to tell you: I don't have time for relationships when all I've done all my life are two things: Either studying or being a therapist to my friends. And I regret neither of it. 

yeah, hey friends, you all still have me in your need

Now, there are things I can't think of telling you; because I've seen you react in a particular way when that specific thing comes up.

When it happened the first time, I told myself that a person can't be perfect for you to talk every time about every topic and I put that topic away.

The next time, I got to know you on another level, I put another topic away. In that same not-to-mention-to-you box.

The third time, I thought I can't keep doing that. And it was the first time that I had to 'gather the courage' to talk to you. I'd realized in that very moment that something has changed in your ideal-you image engraved in my mind.

And the change got confirmed when you reacted the way I never thought you would. Scolding is different but the things you said then were not scoldings.

The things you said didn't damage just me but it hit your ideal-you image too. And you might not know this but I cried not because I got hurt; it was the pain of seeing the crack in my ideal-you image.

Still, I hadn't lost courage. I still had faith in you. I doubted myself for not saying or doing the right things because all I ever knew was you were right. Always.

Whenever you disagreed, I doubted myself. Until I realized we can have different opinions.

Till then too, it was okay. I convinced myself that you're still my ideal. So what if you're not who I believed you were? People change. People ain't perfect. And you just happen to be just another human being. A human being who is not perfect but still my ideal.

I still had you then too.

I lost my ideal-you image when I realized that you were no longer the source of my positivity. You kept me on such terrible heights in your expectations that every time I tried to look up to your expectations, it was too high that it hurt my neck to look up. I tried resting, lying down just so I could see up in the sky at how do you want to see me. Because somewhere in my heart, I still had you as my ideal and I wanted to be the version of what you think was my best. But when I lied down on my back to look up to your expectations, you stepped on me and made me realize that I've become invisible to you.

I thought you still cared. I really thought you did, even a lil' bit. Until you yourself said that you can't be showing me the path every time.

I asked you to just tell me to get up, not even help me. I will get up myself, get motivated, find a path, work hard and reach my destination wherever it is, you just tell me that you believe in me. You didn't. 

You showed me all my failures and told me I wasn't capable enough to go anywhere.

And that's when it hurt the most. I thought I lost you from a certain point which was after having some good decent time as you being my ideal. But, when you made me count the failures in which I wasn't even responsible --you yourself told me that I was not responsible-- it was like, you never wanted to be my ideal. For you, you being my ideal was never a thing.

I told you everything because for me, you were my ideal, mentor, adviser, friend and just everything. But the way you've been with me has compelled me to say that:

You betrayed me.

Losing a friend, a partnership and just any other bond is the same as losing this one. It was different on just one level:

Even though, I know you betrayed me, it's still me who I doubt.  

I ain't capable enough, you said. Even though you ain't my ideal anymore, I believe you are right, as you have been, always. Because even then, I wasn't capable enough to define the difference between right and wrong, without mentioning you. I still ain't.

I can't define my right and wrong without thinking of you.

I'm sorry, for not being the version of myself that you'd so high in your expectations that I've finally broken my neck trying to see it.

If I'd tell you this now, I know you'd ask me if I've seen your expectations up there, while ideal-you would have asked me, is your neck okay to keep going? I got you. I believe in you.

You ain't my ideal anymore. No one is.

Just know that I still respect you."

This is what I'd have said if I could.

And for the person reading this, I can sum up my feelings in just one quote right now:

It's a quote by Ocean Vuong, from On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous:

"I miss you more than I remember you."

Love, darlings.

~Miss V