Let Me Answer A Few Questions

Hellooooo, people.

I've been searching for a topic to write on, for more than two days. I thought I didn't have it until now. What happened now? I just realised I didn't have one topic to write on; I had many.

i myself didn't know this yet

I've so much in myself right now that I could pour it out in ten different write-ups and I'd still have a lot to say.

from here, this write-up has gone in so many directions but i backspaced every single time and this is the only thing i wanna say right now

I'm scared of pouring it all out. Things I've in me right now either bleed out of my wounds or mess me up inside even more. I ain't ready to do either. I've had a lot of realisations lately and I'm just so scared of my own damn self.

I'm craving for all the things no one should be craving for. Really. 

i mean that "should" a lil' too much

This write-up is going to be a question answer session. I've received a lot of questions so, here we go. I'll try to take as many as possible in this one without making it longer than usual.

First question:-

How can you express grief so wonderfully in writing when you've never experienced any break-up yourself?

My answer:-

Break-up is just one way of getting your heart broken. You could lose any bond and that would break your heart. Sometimes, it doesn't even need another person, you yourself can do it on your own. Realizing a few things about yourself which you are not ready to accept yet, can shatter your heart. Our heart is the most fragile thing we'd ever know but then, it's the strongest thing you'll ever have; 'cause what else could break so many times and still keep you alive? 

And to answer in one-line for that, I'll say: it doesn't matter what has led me to grieve. I could write about the grief of losing a loved one to death and you could read it while imagining about losing a bond with someone who you get to see everyday.

Second question:-

If you haven't been in contact with someone for a while and you get to know they're dead. How are you supposed to deal with that? The guilt you feel, for not spending enough time with them?

My answer:-

first of all i'm not the right person to answer this one; you could get a better answer from someone else but you've asked me so here is what i'd like to say

You've to make peace with it. You gotta tell yourself that you weren't in contact with them for some xyz reason and you could never have guessed what has happened now. It wasn't your fault that you didn't spend enough time with them. Probably the universe created such situations so that you could be in less pain? Probably the last conversation you had with them --which you might not even remember-- was better than the one you'd have if you were still in talking terms?

Just guessed, you know. You can't change what's happened and you can't blame yourself for something you know isn't your fault. You gotta keep the guilt away. If it comes back, find the best guess and console yourself with it until you make peace with what has happened.

Third question:-

"I'm scared of losing someone. But I'm more scared of them staying. I've messed up so many times that if they stay any longer, I'll bury myself in my own guilt. What do I do?"

My answer:-

I feel you, darling. Listen, can you bear to live without them? Of course, you'll breathe without them and life can get back to the way it was before them but, do you want that? I know you don't. You don't want to lose them but you also want them to go away. You want them to stay but you're scared of them staying.

It reminds me of a quote by Ocean Vuong.

"They say nothing lasts forever but they're just scared it will last longer than they can love it."

I guess, that's what's happening to you. You're scared that if they stay, you won't be able to love them. I understand your fear, darling. I really do. But, you're scared only because you think they love you enough to stay even after you've messed up so many times and if they stay, that will prove their love even more so. The way you love them now already seems so small to you and if they decide to stay once more, your love would be negligible in front of theirs.

That seems like a valid thought. But, think of this too, hun. 

You can't measure love. Your love seems small to you, not them. When it comes to love, it's about perspective. They can love you even if you've messed up, because they don't think you've messed up enough. 

From your perspective, you've messed up a lot and your love seems small. But from where they're standing, probably it's not like that. They might have some bar of standards. They might have a bar of messing up things. In their point of view, you haven't messed up enough ever to make them walk away from you. From their perspective, your love is exactly the same thing as it was when they decided to stay.

Why do you have guilt? When you do something wrong. Right?

If they're staying with you on their own, what did you do wrong in that? Think about it, hun. 

Fourth question:-

"I read your Where are writers hidden blog, my question is, why. Why do they hide themselves?"

My answer:-

I've been waiting for that question since I don't know when. I've so much to say on this one. This question deserves a whole write-up.  I'm gonna do it soon.

Ask your questions, people. Why are you carrying issues and thoughts of the whole world on your shoulders? Lemme take care of a lil' bit of it, okay?

Take care, people.

 Smileeeeeee, darling.

~Miss V