Doesn't Your Heart Need To Breathe?

Hellooooo, people.

"You don't ask people with knives in their stomachs what would make them happy; happiness is no longer the point. It's all about survival; it's all about whether you pull the knife out and bleed to death or keep it in."

~Nick Hornby

This quote, gawd!

I've got a lot to say today so put out a strong quote which conveys some of my feelings already. In one of my write-ups exactly an year ago, I wrote about how our hearts are covered with blankets under which we've got a lot of things buried. I mentioned a quote saying how there's always something unspoken between two people and I had stated under it, that, it's not just between people; but between us and our hearts too.

Today's write-up is going to be about uncovering the blankets, even if it's a thin layer. In that write-up, I mentioned I'm gonna go gather some courage to do that and after exactly an year, I'm here to tell you that I did gather it. I did pick up a corner of one of the blankets and pulled it like a bandage off a wound.

Usually, I ain't strong enough to do that but when you gotta do something like that, you somehow find the strength. Sometimes from people around you and sometimes, from within yourself.

Once in a while, I believe I should write this kind of write-up where I tell you about how I'm not some perfectly untangled human with a not-at-all messed up heart.

I need to tell you that I too am struggling to live with this damned heart for whom the lines of should and shouldn't are blurred. I gotta tell you that I too am dying to learn to live with it because that's what these write-ups were supposed to be about; unwinding my heart.

Since the last year till date, I've scratched a lot of wounds underneath the blanket I pulled off. They bled. They stained my non-wounded parts, causing infections. The medicines for getting healed were bitter but I had to take them not just once but thrice a day until my doctor-heart announced me okay.

this is a paragraph of metaphors, not real, okay? i didn't actually bleed and there were no medicines

Back to the non-poetic lines. When I scratched the wounds which I had covered long before, they smelled rotten. 

wait, non-poetic lines, yes

here

When I decided to undergo the process of healing, I had to pick up the rotten memories from the deepest parts of my heart and work on them. As I ain't some professionally trained surgeon, I messed up. In the process of healing, I lost my empathy. I stopped feeling the emotions of the people around me. I only had 'my' emotions to feel. That might sound like a positive thing to you but for an extreme empath that I was, it was terrible. Sometimes it made me want to scream out loud to the empty sky to give back my empathy and sometimes, it made me want to curl up on the floor and weep until I get it back.

Neither of the options was available so I stood back up --with the strength I had from my source-- and continued working on the healing of my heart; after taking a deep breath.

This reminds me of a quote:

"I often see how you sob over what you destroy, how you want to stop and just worship; and you do stop, and then a moment later you are at it again with a knife, like a surgeon."

~Anaïs Nin

There were times when I wanted to stop the process of healing. I got desperate for feeling more than my emotions at times but even if I had stopped doing what I was doing, I wouldn't get it back. Rather, I'd be stuck. So I didn't stop. I had lost it and the only way of getting it back --if I was getting it back-- was to keep going. So that's exactly what I did. And no, it wasn't easy. It took some hundred gallons of courage and some thousand units of the pain of my shattering heart. So, no, it wasn't easy.

that's me telling you: you should heal not exactly when you need healing but when you gather enough courage to heal 'cause you should know you'd need it

Now, I haven't healed completely. That's a long road to cover but I did get my empathy back. 

oh to feel more than my emotions

It shakes me up sometimes when the other person is in intense pain but that's what I gotta do if I've got this intense desire to feel more than myself. It's not bad always though. I've felt immense happiness too, because of empathy.

two sides of the coin, you know

For now, I'm again gathering the courage to pull another blanket off the other wounds of my heart but not right now. I gotta take some time to inhale and exhale at least a few million times before doing that.

This write-up isn't just about me. This is 'for' you, too.

You've read my write-ups before and appreciated me for giving you exactly what you needed at the moment. This write-up is to make sure that you 'know' that --repeating-- I too am not a perfect not-at-all messed up human. I too got things to deal with. I too have things to heal from.

This is for you to know that when you need strength to heal, you gotta find some. It won't come to you. Whenever you feel this healing process is hurting you, believe that it's going to get right after some time; just keep going --even if it hurts.

that's how healing is

Whenever you think, you're tired of hurting, take the medicine of being with the people you feel loved with. Whenever you think, you're shattering a bit too much, just take a pause, inhale, count to four or five, exhale and continue moving.

It's important for us to heal because after all, breathing is hard when you're covered with a lot of blankets. Our hearts don't deserve that. We don't deserve that.

Whenever you think that people around you should help you in saving you, even if a bit, remember another quote from Anaïn Nin:

"I weep because you cannot save people. You can only love them. You can't transform them, you can only console them."

So this is me telling you by holding your hand and kissing it too --if you allow-- that you've all the strength within yourself to do your own saving. Believe in yourself, darling. And that heart you have, I know it might not seem like it but it's on your side, honey.

The write-up I wrote exactly an year ago is this if you'd wanna read:

Does Your Heart Keep Secrets?

If you don't read it, I just want to put one line from it here. 

basically, me using my own quote, it's okay to do that, isn't it?

"Whether you were born in darkness or you were thrown into it, you don't have to live there for the rest of your life."

~Miss V