Is It Really The Part Of A Bullet?

Hellooooo, people.

It's been a lil' longer than I thought it'd take to write. Sometimes, things don't go as you think they would.

okay okay, most of the time

And, sometimes, you just can't take your mind off particular things. Recently, I'd given an interview and I had mentioned there about me writing blogs. At some point of time, they asked me about my blogs. When I was done introducing it, they went like, "Tell us more."

And that was the moment I framed my intention of writing into words. Do you see that line just below Unwinding Heart? "A process to sort myself out publically and yet in the most intimate way."

That has been the only description I've thought of, ever.

When I answered in the interview, I realised that the purpose has slightly moved from sorting myself to giving people different points of view on topics. But recently, I've not been my best at the consistency of my blogs. And that's because the process of sorting myself took a backseat.

While the steering wheel of my life wasn't in my own control and my conscious/decision-making self took a backseat, I kept spiralling into accident-prone areas and hardly saved myself from crashing into disastrous consequences.

poetic enough?

can't help it, had a lot to say but didn't wanna reveal the details

okay, the non-poetic language here:

When you take the backseat, you don't look in the rear-view mirror, check for traffic lights, adjust the clutch and look forward to the breakers, all in two seconds, right? Similarly, when you give yourself a lesser priority, you don't get your focus on a lot of things that you would if you loved yourself enough.

talking about keeping yourself a priority in a general situation

Being said all that, this write-up is going to be about myself.

doesn't mean it can't be about you

If you've been reading my write-ups and/or know me, you know how hard that is to do for me, here. Especially here.

Like everyone, I also am a different person in front of different people. Imagine saying things about yourself on a stage where the audience involves people from every part of your life.

This might be someone's first read from my write-ups. Imagine knowing someone's marinated thoughts in the first speech they give to you.

that's how difficult it is

I'm stuck with a question.

let me know if you've any views on this:

When you're working on yourself to make yourself a better version, how do you know for sure that it's something that 'can' be changed? How are you 'sure' that the trait which you're trying to work on, is something that's not an integral part of you? How exactly do you know that you'd be able to take something out from the core of your heart without knowing if it's part of some bullet you were hit with or some in-built part that you were born with which is 'now' causing your suffering?

My heart feels heavy. So much so that I just want something out of it and at this point, I no longer care whether it's the part of the bullet or the thing that's keeping me breathing.

"I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back to me."

~Lora Mathis, If There's A Way Out I'll Take It

Everybody wants to see progress in what they're doing. If not visible, then at least a feeling of going in the right direction, no?

When you're working on yourself because of a very hard-hitting realisation, you accept that it's gonna take time. You give yourself time and continue putting in efforts while the people who love you the most put in efforts in the process too. 

What happens when you're close to making the same mistake again? How do you know if you were given a little extra time, you wouldn't make that same mistake? How do you know that the efforts you're putting in are going to change something that almost defines you?

Okay, I take your theory of "efforts don't go in vain".

I agree that if you're putting the right effort into something, that IS going to be better. Agreed that if you're working on some traits, you're going to get some good qualities, a better personality and some superb improved way of thinking.

My question is, how do you know that your 'right' efforts are going to eliminate the bad trait you're infected with?

bad in terms of your definition of bad; something that you wouldn't want

And, if I consider your thought: the efforts might not eliminate the bad trait but it might give you some wonderful traits to overpower it or shrink it to a negligible amount.

My question here would be: If something is stubborn enough that it wouldn't leave you and rather shrink inside of you or be overpowered with something better, how do you know it won't be stubborn enough to inflate again? How can you be so sure that the good things that overpowered the bad trait would always remain powerful?

Triggers are what would be used in such situations. If your bad trait has a trigger, it won't matter how powerful your other traits are or how shrunk your bad trait is, it would come up to the surface again and would ruin the space you took years to clean up.

"I desire very little, but the things I do consume me."

~Beau Taplin

This write-up might be about myself, but I'm not so sure that it's not about some of you as well.

In simple words, my ultimate question can be framed like this:

When your suffering is caused by something inside of you, how do you figure out if it's an acquired wound or some now-active integral part of you?

Your views, even if in a single line, are very much appreciated.

~Miss V